Dear Journal
by GreenEmeraldGirlxoxo
Summary: Years from the incident at Degrassi, Maya seems to be handling things well. Too well. So what happens when Katie stumbles across Maya's journal the counsellor suggested she write?


**Pairings: **Sort of Maybell and Jatie.

**Timeline: **Years after Bittersweet Symphony

**Warnings: **Slight cursing

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Degrassi, if I did, Cam would still be alive.

**Authors Note: **Hello, welcome. I thank you for clicking on my story to read it. In all honesties, I didn't know what to do when Cam died, after all him dying just _destroyed _all chances of my ship… *sigh* anyways, this is just a way I viewed of how Maya eventually dealt with his suicide.

**XXX**

Katie rummaged through the piles of clothes she had scattered across her floor, looking for an outfit to wear on her night out. Graduation was just around the corner, and Katie was literally jumping at the idea to _finally _be finished school.

"What are you doing?" Maya asks flatly from the doorway. She had just turned twenty one, and was enjoying her university scholarship from her amazing abilities from the cello. She opted to stay home, just like Katie did, to finish up their years of schooling.

"Just looking for something; what's up?" Katie drops what she was holding, inclining her head in Maya's direction.

Maya simply shrugs, "Nothing." She disappears from the doorway, eliciting a frown from Katie.

A ring from her cellphone caused Katie to jolt with surprise. She glances at her caller id. Jake. A year or so ago, she'd gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend, Jake Martin, and things had been great.

"Yeah?" She answers, accidentally knocking over a box containing her other packed items. Relatively soon, Katie would be moving into a cozy apartment with Jake.

"Listen, I was wondering if instead of going out if you just wanted to stay in and catch a movie." It was as if Jake had just read her mind or something just as crazy. She hadn't really wanted to go out that night, and since Maya seemed to be more distant than ever, staying in seemed like a great plan.

"Sounds amazing." Katie winces when jagged, dissonant notes were cranked out from Maya's cello. "Want to come to my place?"

After Jake's approval, Katie quickly went to Maya's room, knocking on the door lightly.

"Chicken little? Can we talk?" Maya sharply yanked her bow across the strings sending a flurry of angry notes towards Katie.

Katie took this as a sign to enter, and she almost wished she didn't. Papers were strewn across the floor, an array of colourful pens sat scattered with this awful hollow feeling to the room itself. Maya had her back to the door, keeping her head bent.

"Maya?" Katie's voice resonated with alarm as she cautiously made her way to her sisters side. "What's wrong?"

She knelt next to her sister, witnessing the tears drip off her face onto the cello.

Maya scrubbed her cheeks, a beautiful grin splitting across her face, "My piece just got accepted to perform at open house." There was a ring of truth to her words, the white parchment next to her displaying the cheerful words, 'congratulation!'

"Then why the angry tune?" Katie asks suspiciously.

Maya shakes her head, "I don't know what you mean." She thinks. "Oh! That! My teacher wanted us to practice how differently emotions can affect your music."

"What was your trigger?" Katie prods.

For a split second, Maya's face darkens. Before Katie can call her out on it, it's gone. "I just thought of how mad I would be if I wasn't chosen."

Katie narrows her eyes; just minutes ago she was distant and upset.

"I'm going out. I have some practice. Be back later." Maya waves cheerfully, quickly packing up her cello and leaves.

"What the fuck?" Katie growls, standing. She hardly swore, but Maya's attitude definitely bothered her. She glanced around the room, and her eyes glued to the calendar on Maya's wall, horror crossing her face.

With a thick red marker, Maya had angrily scratched out today's date on the calendar. Today was the anniversary of Campbell Saunders death…

Katie's gaze glazed over the longer she stared, completely shocked. This whole charade Maya's been keeping up all day, all these years, has been completely fake?

A brown leather cover peeped out from under Maya's pillow, which barely was enough to draw Katie's attention away from the date.

Katie plopped down on Maya's bed, grabbing the pillow. She picked up the journal, dropping the pillow, gently running her fingers over the coarse cover.

Despite her better judgement of not invading Maya's privacy was overcome by an extreme sense of curiosity. She flipped it open to the first page.

_Dear Journal, _

_ I was told to write this from the counsellor, she said it would help me sort out my feelings about what happened to Cam. I already have. I'm mad at him. I hate him. Okay, I don't hate him, but this whole journal thing is ridiculous. Cam was well aware of his actions, and that was his choice. Just because he died, doesn't mean _I _have to as well._

Katie frowned, checking for a date. She found none. How much more would she uncover about her sister? After Cam's suicide, Maya seemed to be fine. Would this tell Katie otherwise?

_Dear Journal,_

_ Apparently, my previous statement wasn't valid since I was rude and disrespectful. The counsellor said I had to keep writing in here until I showed some sort of emotional distress besides 'anger'. Fine. Good luck._

_ Dear Journal,_

_ How long has it been since he died…?_

_ Dear Journal, _

_ I wonder what it's like to kill yourself… Why wouldn't he come to me? Why didn't he trust me? I would have helped him! If he just talked to me! He should have been a man and talked to me! I loved him! _

Katie's eyes widen in surprise. Maya _loved _Cam? Sure she knew she cared about him, but _love?_ Wow.

Entry upon entry went like that. Until the next entry which seemed like it was the last was covered in tear splatters and angry crossed out lines.

_Dear Journal,_

_ Why did Cam leave me? __If it wasn't for Zig, none of this would have happened. __It's all my fault, I didn't notice the signs. __I would do anything for it to have been me, not him.__ Why didn't he love me enough? No… he was in his own place at that time. __I just wish I was enough to save him__. The night we shared together was the happiest he's been all his life. __He could have told me then__. I would have kept him happy. Hoot would have helped. Was I a horrible girlfriend? __Yes I was, I didn't see.__ I could have tired better to understand. No… I did my best. Cam was depressed, it's no one's fault. I don't blame him. __I blame myself. __I don't blame anyone, I shouldn't. All I want is for him to come back to me, to hold me one last time. But I guess I can't ask for that, can I? __I hope he's happy now.__ How does life end? _

It ended there, from either lack of answers or just simply because she didn't know how to continue. All this time, all this time, Maya was suffering. And she never exposed it to anyone, except this stupid journal and the counsellor.

Katie sat in Maya's room for a long time, or was it ten minutes, flipping through the empty pages. Until she noticed a final entry, dated today.

_It's been a long time since Cam's death, huh. I still miss him, every day, but I've accepted it, as best I could, anyway. I'm happy—no, at ease with his decision. When he died, he died as _my cheesy _and that's all I could ask for. I just hope deep down, somewhere, he knew I loved him. I'm off now, to visit his grave, time to say goodbye for real. _

Katie didn't realise she was crying until a tear splashed on the back of her hand. She sniffed and wiped away her tears. That's why Maya was crying. She was finally saying goodbye to her first love.

"Oh Maya…" Katie whispered, conflicted. She wanted to help her sister, but she knew Maya needed space.

So when Maya returned home, half way through Katie's movie date with Jake, Katie hugged her, ignoring her swollen eyes and red face.

**Well… That came out better than I thought. I hope you liked it, and when I get time, a companion fic to this one will come out. Sort of like a sequel but not at the same time. Review.**

**~Emerald~**

**~~Did anyone else sob when Cam died?~~**


End file.
